This summer has been a truly unmemorable yet exquisitely atrocious example of Hollywood big-budget excess, thanks to the absolute pieces of dry dog shit that have been released under the disguise of the blockbuster action film genre. Apparently, “blockbuster,” now means that in order to make a great entertaining action flick, you must take a universally appealing concept, make it accessible to all of the key demographics, add in lots and lots of explosions in lieu of any real character development, and include at least one (maybe two) scenes of robots dry humping Megan Fox. Wait. I’m slowly starting to realize that most of this criticism doesn’t apply to GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA. Shit.
I still don’t know how I feel about GI JOE, mainly because I’m still getting over how much I hated TRANSFORMERS 2: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. GI JOE reaps benefits just based on the other movies to compare it to from this summer of absolute garbage action movies. Its tough for me to talk shit about Michael Bay too, his movie made 400$ dollars at the domestic box office. How can I hate on that? Michael Bay is officially running under the “Soulja Boy” paradox of aesthetic criticism. Because much like Soulja Boy’s growing empire, you can talk shit about the movie all you want, millions of people are still going to pay to see it.
A passage from Immortal Technique comes to mind:
so if your message ain’t shit, fuck the records you sold/ cuz if you go platinum, it’s got nothing to do with luck/ it just means that a million people are stupid as fuck.
GI JOE was great on many levels. HOWEVER, it was also mind numbingly stupid in a few ways. First of all, Channing Tatum might draw in the ladies based on his reputation as a “bad-boy,” but I am sorry, this dude can’t act. At all. It was painful watching him utter his lines. I think his finest performance thus far in his young career was in this summer’s best overall action/crime drama flick PUBLIC ENEMIES.
NOTE: (this is a joke that only will become clear once you see PUBLIC ENEMIES. Hopefully you will chuckle when you get where I’m goin with this)
The essential greatness of GI JOE can be encapsulated in a few main points. Stephen Sommers (VAN HELSING, THE MUMMY) handles the action very well in this film.
Action sequences are surprisingly choreographed like dance. This metaphor places Michael Mann’s PUBLIC ENEMIES into the Waltz. Michael Bay’s action sequences resemble a drunken frat boy grinding on a lamp shade to a Ying Yang Twins song. Sommers dance becomes the final scene in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. Extremely nerdy and surprisingly smooth at the same time.
Yes, this movie is a gadget nerds dream. Watching the accelerator suit scene was heart stopping. The weapon technology is futuristic, but not to a point of stupidity.
That’s all I really have to say about this.
The Final Exam
How does the movie compare to other films from the director?
Some hate Sommers, most enjoy. This film is exactly what you would expect based on Sommers previous films. Campy, entertaining, shitty acting. Not a bad entry, but not great either.
Is the movie effective?
Yes, this movie does not attempt to do anything unrealistic with the material. It’s about a squad of super secret solders fighting a super secret covert squad of villains hell-bent on global domination. The film is also based on a line of childrens toys.
Would I watch the film again?
Yes, I would, but only if I could ingest some form of film enhancer before hand to help numb the stupidity. I highly suggest using film enhancers before this movie. You will most likely enjoy the shit out of it (what do I mean by “film enhancer?” Umm the all natural kind….)
Best aspect of the film?
Gadgets, Action, Commander Cobra,
Worst aspect of the film?
Channing Tatum and the horrible flashbacks of his former relationship that we are forced to sit through. Just laugh them off. Its funny how bad this dude is at showing emotion.
Final grade + viewing suggestion?
75/100 C Yes, these are quite the average Joe’s. Check it out in the theater if you have time to before DISTRICT 9 or INGLORIOUS BASTERDS comes out. Please, don’t take it seriously.
2 Comments
August 21, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I had the unique experience of seeing “GI Joe” directly after “Orphan” (long story), and I’m pretty sure I left the cinema stupider than when I went in, but also with a big, dumb grin on my face.
(Being an Irish audience, a few of us actually applauded the “Fire Control That Only Works In Gaelic” bit, which was so stupid it deserves its own monument.)
Still, sometimes nothing beats a bad movie. Or two.
Will you go see the sequel, do you think?
August 31, 2009 at 10:09 pm
If, or rather, WHEN the equal comes out, I will certainly see it.
Now that the main characters have been developed a little bit Sommers can hopefully go straight for the action/gadgets. I just hope he doesn’t do what Michael Bay did with his second entry.
Thats a great anecdote about the Gaelic bit. Funny how subtle differences in culture shape reactions like the one you experienced. Here in VA, I heard someone actually cheer when the eifull tower was destroyed.
Only in America…